Down on the Farm

...the funny farm that is! Welcome to the life of Denise Richards, cray-cray celebrity du jour. Her new reality show, "Denise Richards: It's Complicated" debuted this week on the "E" Channel. And you know what? It's actually pretty simple. She's flippin' nuts.

The show is unexpectedly entertaining and watchable. I love her Illinois accent (just a farm girl at heart), coupled with her sailor mouth (well, maybe not so much). She says in the intro that we may only know her from "Wild Things" and the tabloids, but her actual life is all about family. She lives in a big house outside of LA, with her dad, her 2 young daughters, 10 dogs, 2 cats, 2 or 3 pigs, some horses, 2 assistants...in other words, surrounded with creatures that have no choice but to find her fascinating, lovable, and who have to do what she says. Yay, family!


And despite, or perhaps because of all of this, I find myself liking her. In her own words, "I can't help it, I just like f**king hot guys with big d**ks!" Well, who doesn't? At least she's honest. She seems to have a pretty good time, playing piggy matchmaker or watching her assistants pick up dog shit in her backyard. She may be wacked, but she is a hell of a lot more interesting to watch than poker-faced Lauren Conrad on the Hills, or those awful Kardashian women.

Watching Denise call different stud farms to try to find sperm for her pet pig Charlotte (because she feels that Charlotte would make a great mother), you can't help but draw a parallel to her interview with Matt Lauer, in which he asked DR about an email allegedly sent to Charlie Sheen asking for him to donate his sperm to her so that she could have another child. She denies it but, you know, what's good enough for Charlotte...

Tonight's episode was peppered with a nice little tidbit of irony (purposeful or not, I am unsure). At every commercial break, there was an announcement that Charlie Sheen got married today, and that his new wife Brooke Mueller may already be pregnant. Ouch. Somehow I don't think that Brooke will approve of her husband paying alimony to his ex-wife with his little swimmers.

Sightings

Arrrgh! This is the last straw. I hardly ever see celebrities, and Charles always seems to be in the right place in the right time. He doesn't just see them from afar, he somehow finds himself right across from famous people, and more often than not, in conversation with them.

These are the encounters from the past couple of years that I have been able to forgive:
- Sonya Walger, from "Tell Me You Love Me" and "Lost"
- Charisma Carpenter from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"
- the "Jackass" guys

(Not to mention that he ran into Vincent Gallo last night...sheesh)

Today I was delivered the blow that I am going to use as clear evidence that God is punishing me:
- Viggo Mortensen

I know, your jaw just hit the floor. I will wait for you to compose yourself.

My husband is NOT ALLOWED to come into contact with my fantasy boyfriend! It is just not right! See, Viggo is sad, too...


Come to think of it, most of these sightings have been on his trips to Buenos Aires, where he is right now. Damn it, I am so going next time! Viggo, hang on, I'll be there soon! We will dance the tango and have blood-red steaks and endless glasses of Malbec! You can whisper your sweet porteno nothings in my ear! We will ride horses across the pampas with the wind blowing in our hair!

Sigh. If Charles runs into Daniel Craig on his way home, there will be hell to pay.

Fowl Play

Christopher Walken - cooking! Now, if you didn't know who he was, this video would seem completely benign. But watch it and tell me you don't wonder if he shot that chicken's head off at point blank range, smiling his signature smile? He just can't help it - he has the unmistakable voice of a serial killer.

Oh, I do hope he becomes the next Food Network Star!

Be sure to watch all the way until the end to see the special visitor.

Some People Use Body By Jake, I Use Charles!

Part 2 of "Welcome to My Home". In which we get more makeup tips, diet & excercize, and we meet Charles & Snow. The look in their eyes says, "Help me!" Look out, Snow. She's starving!

Notice the Slit? These are Bugle Beads

Part 1 of "Welcome to My Home". In which we meet Brenda Dickson, have a fashion show, and get makeup tips. Ostrich feathers, anyone? Follow this advice and you, too, can look this good 11 and 1/2 years from now.