Jude sent this to me this morning and it is spot on. Click on the picture to do the test for yourself. Be sure to click on the part that says "How to tell if your cat is plotting to kill you" - hilarious. I'm sleeping with one eye open from now on, with some catnip mice stashed under my pillow (distraction tactic)!
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
I Knew It
Jude sent this to me this morning and it is spot on. Click on the picture to do the test for yourself. Be sure to click on the part that says "How to tell if your cat is plotting to kill you" - hilarious. I'm sleeping with one eye open from now on, with some catnip mice stashed under my pillow (distraction tactic)!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Giving it Back Since 1940
This is awesome. It is an actual ad in the Oahu phone book, right under some other radiator company. First, the name of the company slays me. It sounds like someone from Crank Yankers made it up... you are just waiting for the punchline. And how about that cute little "Military Welcome" sign? Yeah, you betcha the military is welcome - bring on those muscle bound service folks. Lest you think that this is all some funny misunderstanding, take a look at the logo. That little boy means business with the radiator. K. IFuku. IFuku long time...
Friday, September 12, 2008
Marin Madam
Mellow Marin...my ass! I spent the day in Marin yesterday, and it was filled with debauchery, starting at 9am when I went to a copy meeting for a client. First category up for review? Women's foundations. That's right, bras, underwear, and whatever the equivalent of adult onesies are called. I will be studying these to write copy that will sell them, no double entendres and snickering allowed. I practically skulked out with my huge clear plastic bag full of D-cups and lace and ruffles.

That night I went to my sweet little Book Group in Mill Valley - formed of various members of the San Rafael Mother's Club - for a nice sit-down dinner and good adult conversation. Sounds very civilized, right? Sure, we sipped wine and enjoyed some fine food - and then out "came" dessert.

In case you can't read it (or have turned away in horror), it says "Your Day Has Cum". It is Pepto Pink, cream-filled, with special icing touches such as the white in the front and black around the...bottom. Now, even with this attention to detail, this has to be the least threatening rendition of the male organ that I have seen - it looks more like a toy gun of some kind. The flourishes around the base confuse me, but even better, I LOVE to think about the person decorating this cake, humming a little tune as they carefully place the swipes of black hair just so. And poor thing, it only seems to have achieved a dribble, although the volume looks sizeable - but hardly the money shot heard 'round the world. Wah, wah.
What do they use as a model, I wonder? A photo? I think not. This one seems to be from memory...or something.
To be fair, the book selection for this month was sex-themed : "Bonk" by Mary Roach. And we agreed to have a sort of GNI (Girls' Night In) in lieu of a serious discussion, so this cake didn't appear totally out of the blue - or the flesh-pink, as it were.
Still.
I think we have a Cake Wreck candidate on our hands, people!
That night I went to my sweet little Book Group in Mill Valley - formed of various members of the San Rafael Mother's Club - for a nice sit-down dinner and good adult conversation. Sounds very civilized, right? Sure, we sipped wine and enjoyed some fine food - and then out "came" dessert.
In case you can't read it (or have turned away in horror), it says "Your Day Has Cum". It is Pepto Pink, cream-filled, with special icing touches such as the white in the front and black around the...bottom. Now, even with this attention to detail, this has to be the least threatening rendition of the male organ that I have seen - it looks more like a toy gun of some kind. The flourishes around the base confuse me, but even better, I LOVE to think about the person decorating this cake, humming a little tune as they carefully place the swipes of black hair just so. And poor thing, it only seems to have achieved a dribble, although the volume looks sizeable - but hardly the money shot heard 'round the world. Wah, wah.
What do they use as a model, I wonder? A photo? I think not. This one seems to be from memory...or something.
To be fair, the book selection for this month was sex-themed : "Bonk" by Mary Roach. And we agreed to have a sort of GNI (Girls' Night In) in lieu of a serious discussion, so this cake didn't appear totally out of the blue - or the flesh-pink, as it were.
Still.
I think we have a Cake Wreck candidate on our hands, people!
Friday, September 5, 2008
Waiter, There's a ___in my Soup
Cobb Salad - what's in that, anyway? Let's see, Lettuce, Tomato, Cheese, Eggs, Avocado and Beef T...eeeewwww! What, do you get a Cow Pie for dessert after that?
After swallowing the vomit that rose up in our throats, we ordered the "Argula" salad instead. Then the vomit returned for real.
File this restaurant under Never Again.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Let the Games Begin

Oh my god, I just had to post the picture from today's Cake Wrecks blog. Parentheses! Quotation marks! And nothing else on the cake to distract you from the beautiful artwork that someone paid for. I am just imagining the decorator standing back, admiring his or her work, and thinking, yep, that's perfect. 10!
God bless America.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Takes the Cake
I love blogs that are written about a single, weird topic and filled with comments and observations that are totally spot-on. Cake Wrecks is an example of just how misdirected and twisted people can be. And they express it in CAKE! Too Fabulous!
This combines 3 of my favorite things: baking, fuck-ups, and occasionally, inappropriate quotation marks. Ah, the Holy Trinity.



(Many thanks to my friend Josh for sending this to me and keeping me laughing all day long!!)
This combines 3 of my favorite things: baking, fuck-ups, and occasionally, inappropriate quotation marks. Ah, the Holy Trinity.



(Many thanks to my friend Josh for sending this to me and keeping me laughing all day long!!)
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
And the Worst Name Award Goes to...
First we had the Stuff White People Like blog (hilarious), and now it's the Scuppie Handbook. It's kind of funny, but the problem is that it takes itself way too seriously - unlike the Preppy Handbook, which was completely tongue-in-cheek. Taking yourself too seriously - a Scuppie* trait if I ever saw one.

SCUP·PIE /skÓ™p·e/ n. (Socially Conscious Upwardly-mobile Person)
1. A person who desires all the best life can offer and strives for those goals in a socially conscious manner.
2. One who is dedicated to the pursuit of peace, happiness and cash (not necessarily in that order).
3. Someone ‘green’ -- i.e. one who understands the love of money does not preclude the love of nature...and vice-versa.
______________________________________________________________________
* And the reason that I think that Scuppie is a terrible name is not because it's not clever - it is - but the word itself is so unappealing. Sounds like someone tried to put together Scum + Puppy = Scuppie. Or a youthful version of Judy Tenuda's Scum Puppets - Scuppies. Well, if the shoe fits...
SCUP·PIE /skÓ™p·e/ n. (Socially Conscious Upwardly-mobile Person)
______________________________________________________________________
* And the reason that I think that Scuppie is a terrible name is not because it's not clever - it is - but the word itself is so unappealing. Sounds like someone tried to put together Scum + Puppy = Scuppie. Or a youthful version of Judy Tenuda's Scum Puppets - Scuppies. Well, if the shoe fits...
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Heyyyyyy...
A few days late to honor Pride weekend, but a heartfelt tribute nonetheless. Here is Episode 1 from one of my favorite series, "Planet Unicorn". I have no idea why or how it exists, I am just glad that it does. To all 8-year-old gay boys out there everywhere, you go, girl! May all of your wishes come true!
Thursday, June 26, 2008
The Law of Tea

I had kind of a cute exchange with the counter girl at The Greenhouse Cafe today. She had just prepared my Coconut Black Tea and was handing it to me.
Me: "So, is this good with milk? Or just black?"
Her: "I like it with milk or cream. Maybe a touch of sugar to sweeten it a little."
Me: "Cool."
Her: "Give it a few minutes, you've gotta let it steep."
Me: "Oh yeah, sure. Of course."
Her: "I don't know why it is, but you cannot add the milk while the teabag is steeping. It just stops the steeping altogether."
Me: "Oh my god, I know! I have tried millions of times, and you just end up with milky weak tea. It tastes like dirty water."
Her: "Exactly!"
Me: "And you just have to start all over again."
Her: "Totally! You can never get it back. It's just...over."
Me: "And if you do it again, you have just spent twice as long as if you did it right the first time."
Her: "Yup. That's just how it is. You have to wait. You have to let it steep."
Me: "You have to be patient."
Her: "It's the Law of Tea."
Me: "The Law of Tea."
---moment of silence---
Her: "Enjoy your tea!"
Me: "Thanks!
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Where Do Dogs Come From?
Why, from puppy seeds, of course!
Even better when they are "springkled" on your dessert.
(From our dinner at Mandalay Burmese Restaurant in the Richmond. What they lack in spelling, they make up in cooking - delicious!)
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Food Porn II
Ooooh, ahhhh another post containing food porn.
This is a photo of a cherry that I bought at the Farmer's Market on Saturday. Is it just me, or does it look extra happy?
Cherries are a pretty sexy food even without added appendages. The flesh is so deep and red, and the shape is pert and rounded, so much so that the skin appears stretched to its limit, like nature's latex panties. You have to work your tongue around the pit, and their green stems just beg you to dangle them above your lover's mouth as you picnic in a meadow on a sunny summer afternoon. Remember Tess of the d'Ubervilles (played by Natasha Kinski) wrapping her luscious lips around a strawberry? For me, the fruit of sensuality is the cherry.
I'm looking forward to poppin' 'em all summer long.
Monday, June 2, 2008
You're Getting Sleepy...

Whoa. Stare at these spirals and they will appear to move. From an optical illusion website that I found online. I think my eyes may be crossing....
Oh, and by the way, there is a whole section on the site called "Jesus Illusions". Gotta love the world wide web!
Friday, May 30, 2008
Down on the Farm

...the funny farm that is! Welcome to the life of Denise Richards, cray-cray celebrity du jour. Her new reality show, "Denise Richards: It's Complicated" debuted this week on the "E" Channel. And you know what? It's actually pretty simple. She's flippin' nuts.
The show is unexpectedly entertaining and watchable. I love her Illinois accent (just a farm girl at heart), coupled with her sailor mouth (well, maybe not so much). She says in the intro that we may only know her from "Wild Things" and the tabloids, but her actual life is all about family. She lives in a big house outside of LA, with her dad, her 2 young daughters, 10 dogs, 2 cats, 2 or 3 pigs, some horses, 2 assistants...in other words, surrounded with creatures that have no choice but to find her fascinating, lovable, and who have to do what she says. Yay, family!

And despite, or perhaps because of all of this, I find myself liking her. In her own words, "I can't help it, I just like f**king hot guys with big d**ks!" Well, who doesn't? At least she's honest. She seems to have a pretty good time, playing piggy matchmaker or watching her assistants pick up dog shit in her backyard. She may be wacked, but she is a hell of a lot more interesting to watch than poker-faced Lauren Conrad on the Hills, or those awful Kardashian women.
Watching Denise call different stud farms to try to find sperm for her pet pig Charlotte (because she feels that Charlotte would make a great mother), you can't help but draw a parallel to her interview with Matt Lauer, in which he asked DR about an email allegedly sent to Charlie Sheen asking for him to donate his sperm to her so that she could have another child. She denies it but, you know, what's good enough for Charlotte...
Tonight's episode was peppered with a nice little tidbit of irony (purposeful or not, I am unsure). At every commercial break, there was an announcement that Charlie Sheen got married today, and that his new wife Brooke Mueller may already be pregnant. Ouch. Somehow I don't think that Brooke will approve of her husband paying alimony to his ex-wife with his little swimmers.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Equal Opportunity Vet
Friday, May 16, 2008
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Send in the Clowns

If I had to pick one trait to be essential in a person, it's a good sense of humor. I can overlook many things, but lacking a sense of humor is not one of them. Additionally, if you have a good sense of humor and the ability to make me laugh, there's a good chance that we will be friends for life.
Being funny has such an impact, it could almost be a superpower. Humor could potentially diffuse any situation. In fact, I don't know why we don't have a caped crusader who pulls hysterical one-liners out of his bag and watches as the bad guys are rendered helpless, rolling on the floor clutching their stomachs, the Hope Diamond or bag of cash lying forgotten on the floor.
People who are truly funny are rarely stupid. Stupid people are funny, but only as objects, not creators, of a joke. When I was thinking about what trait was most important to me, intelligence alone without humor was definitely not enough (cue droning voice lecturing about physics or linguistics).
It takes excellent communication skills to be funny. You have to be able to read your "audience" (even if it is an audience of just one person), and make sure that they are with you every step of the way. This takes timing, listening skills, wit, and the intuition to be sure that you and the listener are in sync. When you deliver the punchline, or throw an expert comeback into the pit, it needs to hit the center of the target, each time. Pow! An explosion of laughter is the indication of success. I think that this is why I find humor so attractive - it's like being tickled from across the room, seducing an emotional response out of the listener that they can't help but express.
There are as many different ways to be funny as there are types of laughs. Oscar Wilde, for example, was an amazing wit, able to turn a phrase with beautiful precision.
- Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
I was in yoga the other day. I was in full lotus position. My chakras were all aligned. My mind is cleared of all clatter and I'm looking out of my third eye and everything that I'm supposed to be doing. It's amazing what comes up, when you sit in that silence. 'Mama keeps whites bright like the sunlight, Mama's got the magic of Clorox 2.'
I have a lot of funny people in my life, and as a result I spend a lot of time laughing. My favorite times are when you are with someone, and something unique happens in that moment, something that is never as funny when you are telling it to someone the next day, but at the time has you in hysterics. When I was in Mexico with my family, my brother and I were up late watching TV. We kept flipping to the show "Different Strokes", which they had dubbed in Spanish and called "Blanco y Negro". The interpretations of the lines and enunciation's of the voices made us laugh so hard. In English, it's a pretty ridiculous show - in Spanish, it's fucking awesome! Every night that we were there, we found ourselves in fits of laughter over "Blanco y Negro", a great memory from the trip. Williiiiiiiiis!
I like the risk that is involved with being funny. You might have to put yourself out there, or say something that crosses the line of appropriateness. People without senses of humor seem so static to me. I feel bad for them - I could never live life like that. The release that you feel from a good laugh is one of the best feelings in the world. The sound of someone laughing uncontrollably is one of my favorite sounds. Humor connects us as people in a wonderful way - and it is all around us. I think that God gave it to us as a way to balance out the tragedy and hardship in life. He chose, humans, not ants or cows, to have this unique trait. In that way, we really do have a superpower - and that is quite a gift.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Friday, March 21, 2008
Hot Chicks
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