Here's the thing - I have always been the girl who preferred to hang out with guys. Don't get me wrong, I have had many good and close female relationships, but women as a group have never had much of an appeal to me. Throughout my life, I found myself feeling like an outsider in groups of girls and young women - from Girl Scouts, to Camp Birchwood, to my sorority. Sitting in rooms where the noise volume would reach a deafening decibel, I would sit there and think, ok this is stupid: I don't want to be here, I can't relate to what they are talking about, and most of all, these people are not to be trusted. I would be secretly hoping that a group of renegade boys would burst into the room and rescue us...from ourselves and each other.
So, the fact that I have found myself at a few events consisting entirely of women in the past two months, feeling unified, connected and supported has come of something of a surprise. The events themselves were wonderful, but it was the amazing feeling of being in the room that really struck me. Something primal overcame me, like the urge to band together as a tribe, fulfill our roles as gatherers and nurturers, create a community...or just sit together over big cups of coffee and talk for hours. I really hate that word "empowering", but that is what it was.
In October, Montana took me to a panel discussion put together by Flexsperience and Mommy Track'd, monitored by Leslie Morgan Steiner, author of Mommy Wars. On the panel, 7 women who had various careers and family situations, discussed their challenges and how they found solutions to juggling their careers, children, and marriages. 600 women from the Bay Area attended this event - 600 smart, educated, successful women who were all faced with the same question, how do we do it all? And not go crazy? I was reminded that, even with all of those degrees, years of experience, leadership and organizational skills, these women still questioned themselves, their choices, and how to get it all done. And why, once we make those choices (to be a working mom or stay-at-home), do we separate into two opposing camps, each resenting (and perhaps envying) the other? Why do women feel this need to sabotage each other? - men do not do this - or if they do, they do so overtly, and then go out for beers. In that room, I did not feel competition. I just felt need - the need to reach out to each other and help one another navigate through this complicated life.
Two books spurred the other events that I have attended, The May Queen and This is Not the Life I Ordered.
Amy invited me to a book reading given by her friend and neighbor, Nicki Richesin, of the book she edited called The May Queen, a compilation of life-experience stories written by women in their 30's. Even though I am 2 years past the expiration date for this decade of women, I absolutely loved the book. Each story has a significant moment of learning, insight or self-realization that any woman of any age can relate to. I love the beginning of "Bedsores and Cocktails" by Heather Juergensen:
The day I turned 30 I stayed in bed all day. I never in a million years imagined that's what I would end up doing, but that's what I did. While still safely ensconced in my twenties, I loved spouting wise, pithy aphorisms like 'All good things will happen in your thirties', or worst of all, 'I can't wait to turn thirty!' Flash forward to the day itself, and there I was, lying catatonic in bed like some hideously trite Cathy cartoon. Staying in bed all day - that is alone, with no gorgeous guy licking my toes to make it more interesting - is a lot more painful than I would have thought.
Reading these stories from women who sounded not unlike my friends (because in my dream-world, Tanya Donnelly is definitely my friend!) felt like a dinner-table discussion of people who had learned all to well the meaning behind the saying, "Want to hear God laugh? Make a plan!"
And the extra-special bonus prize? Getting to know Nicki, a wonderful, funny, insightful woman who I am proud to have among my friends.
Last night, Jessica took me to see Jackie Speier, one of the contributors to This is Not the Life I Ordered, who was speaking at Congregation Beth Am in Los Altos. Jackie is a former California State Senator, who has had more than a lifetime of experiences in her 50-odd years. She survived the Jonestown shootings (after being shot at point-blank range 5 times), and after that the death of her husband at age 43, when they were raising a young son and had a baby on the way. Oh and she had just given up her job and found out that her husband's life insurance had lapsed (that was the "that would be me!" moment for me). Either one of those events would have been too much for most people to take. But she learned to be resourceful, lean on her friends and loved ones, and pull through it. And during this time, she and 4 friends formed a Kitchen Table Discussion Group to help each other cope with life's curveballs, a practice that they urge their readers to do themselves. I think it's a great idea. Jackie delivered her story in such a down-to-earth way that I almost forgot about who she was as a public figure - that night, she was just one of the girls.
So, here they are all around me. Career women, women in their 30's, women in their 50's, and sitting square in the dawn of my 40's, me. Not least of all are the 3 dear friends who brought me into these amazing circles. I feel it - I feel the bond. I like it, and I can say this truthfully now, I need it. I am not sure how I am going to exercise this need to commune with my sex on a regular basis, but it will happen somehow. I have heard these voices and they have spoken to something deep within me, so I am not going to let them go any time soon.
